


A Wish

by wonderwanda



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F, Family Drama, poem fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 12:20:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17100482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonderwanda/pseuds/wonderwanda
Summary: In order for there to be family tradition, there must first be family.





	A Wish

**Author's Note:**

> I had a plot all ironed out that was closer to your prompt, but then canon went and did the thing so I scrapped it. 
> 
> My thought for this piece was to use dandelions as a vessel for fandom’s wishes that keep getting ignored. 
> 
> Segment titles are lyrics from a Fred Hersch tune called ‘A Wish (Valentine)’.

*** NO HEARTS / NO FLOWERS*** 

In order for there to be family tradition,  
There must first be family  
Two dandelion seeds  
Traveling the wind’s  
Careful breath  
On the wings  
Of aspiration

***AT MY DOOR***

She watches Serena throw her head back with an emphatic chuckle.  
Watches her sip wine after a long day in theatre.  
Is done for. 

Hands tangled,  
She lets Serena win  
If it will keep them together

(Longer) 

*** NO CARDS *** 

A smarter person than us  
Once said: 

_I do not believe in weeds_  
_Look at all that glorious color_

 _A weed is simply a flower_  
_Someone decides_  
_Is in the wrong place_

***FROM SOMEONE I ADORE*** 

It’s easy for Bernie to bury herself under things,  
Until it isn’t. 

Until she’s begging for permission  
Convinced she’s made a mistake

But is so full of gratitude  
(In making it)  
So full of finally 

She does not expect:  
Their shared breath  
Beating hearts  
Inevitability. 

Serena reaching for her  
As confirmation  
That it was a mistake

Until it wasn’t. 

*** AND YET IT SEEMS*** 

_It deserves an efficacious spot  
In which to flourish! _

Flourish (v.):  
To grow or develop in a healthy way,  
especially as the result of  
a particularly favorable environment

***YOU ARE THE FOCUS*** 

The shovel continues to move  
Convinces her the denouement  
Of their mutual warmth  
Has passed. 

She lifts each pile of dirt  
Each name,  
Each want,  
Each love. 

Wonders when  
It will finally  
Be deep enough. 

Solipsism reaches its hands  
Around her eyes  
Tells her to go. 

Reminds her of  
Befores and afters.

Blinds her of  
Heres and nows. 

Serena apologizes.  
As though she had  
Dug the grave herself. 

But Bernie knows  
Where this train is headed  
And deboards  
Before it can reach  
Its destination. 

***OF MY DREAMS*** 

The hill near  
A childhood home  
Is covered in dandelions

Hundreds of unmade wishes.

Later a road is paved,  
Now a space more useful

Than the bruised knees  
And dizzied heads  
Of children 

Rolling down.

*** OH HOW I WISH *** 

Serena wants her  
To want to change  
Her own name to 

BERENICE BLOODY. 

Is more mad at herself  
For allowances,  
Than she is  
At Bernie 

For taking advantage. 

*** THAT I COULD BE *** 

Where do wishes go  
When they’re outside  
The body? 

Where do they live  
Inside? 

*** YOUR VALENTINE *** 

And in that moment  
The only thing  
She wants is  
To find Serena  
To apologize.  
For being gone  
For digging.

Bernie paces, focused  
Walking a labyrinth  
Through the hallway

As though she doesn’t know  
Where she’s headed.  
Prolonging the hope  
Of maybe

Instead of the certainty  
Of no. 

But soon they are  
Pressed against the desk  
Cleansed of the missing  
The apprehension

Jason says:  
TELL HER YOU LOVE HER. 

And she does. 

***THERE IN THE MIDDLE***

Children stare  
At the ground  
Wait patiently  
Wonder when  
The flowers  
Will sprout

*** OF MY DAY ***

Forever is a mirage.  
They are happy  
For exactly two weeks. 

They spend 14 nights  
In bed together  
Consume 28  
Cups of coffee  
Between them  
During drowsy mornings  
In Serena’s kitchen

Elinor visits

Bernie moves home

Elinor crushes pills

Bernie gives them space

Elinor puts pieces together

Bernie avoids questions 

Elinor refuses treatment

Bernie holds Serena 

Elinor dies. 

And then what? 

*** YOU SMILED AND TOOK *** 

Adults tell children  
That dandelions  
Are unsightly. 

Ask them  
To make wishes  
Away from their  
Homes. 

***MY BREATH AWAY***

Serena’s office becomes  
A sea of Shiraz  
Of yelling  
And grief. 

The only thing  
she can control—  
her breath  
Down Jasmine’s neck. 

The heated swirls  
Of rage  
The hands  
Around throats

And Serena needs  
Another bottle  
A daughter  
An exorcism. 

*** THE SUN BROKE THROUGH ***

(And we break the rules  
Blowing seeds into  
Our own yards)

*** THE MOMENT I LAID ***

Bernie calls  
The evening  
Jas flatlines

Bernie calls  
The evening  
Funding is cut

Other days,  
Her thumbs  
Hover  
Indecisive

She books a flight  
Packs a bag  
Makes a decision —  
For once

The door to Serena’s flat opens  
Bernie barely has an opportunity  
To set down the wine she’s brought

Before they’re in exaltation  
Remembering all of the reasons  
They’ve missed each other 

Bernie waits for her  
Helps her compose herself  
Tastes salt on her cheeks  
Spreads her legs

*** EYES ON YOU *** 

We wish  
And wish  
And wish  
And wish  
And wish  
And wish

*** OH HOW I WISHED *** 

Serena is  
BEING  
VERY  
USEFUL 

(Full of  
Missing,  
As usual)

(Of want.)

And in this  
Otherwise  
Empty space,  
She calls herself  
Nan

Calls herself  
Beloved

Believes  
she is part  
of her own  
Family

That she is necessary  
Valuable. 

Not just some  
Thing  
Left behind.

*** THAT I COULD BE *** 

How many seasons pass  
Until we become the askers

Until we tell our children  
Not to wish?

*** YOUR VALENTINE *** 

Bernie surprises her  
Sits in her office  
Like before

Serena knows  
She can want two things  
But does not know  
If she can want three things

Does not know really,  
What she wants  
This or that  
Or both or  
Nothing

Things weren’t confusing  
For awhile  
Now they are  
(Again)  
(Always)

Perpetual motion,  
Perpetual want

This overcommitment  
This desire

They sit together  
And Serena asks  
How Bernie got her family

Wonders  
If Bernie  
will become her family

If she will let  
Bernie be  
Her family

 _I have seen the scar._  
She says, referencing  
France and her lips  
On Bernie’s abdomen

Curious if anyone  
Took their first breath  
Near Bernie’s breast

(As she did)

*** THE YEARS SLIP ***

An odd day  
When we are grown  
We gather our wishes

Pretend they are real

Meaningful

Possible

*** SILENTLY AWAY ***

In order for there to be family tradition,  
There must first be family  
They must first agree  
That they are family

That they can be  
Family

That they are choosing  
To be family

*** SOMEHOW ***

We are told we’re not doing enough  
As weeds bloom in our grass

Not doing it right

Not doing

*** I MISSED ***

It feels like  
She’s uncoiling  
The Christmas lights  
Of her stomach 

Prioritizing

(Indecision) 

Having made a home  
In this state of flux

Her hope being  
She’d be able to  
Borrow sugar from  
Bernie

In their shared neighborhood

Bernie says,  
_I want you._  
_I don’t care_  
_how long it takes._

There is loneliness  
In this want  
This flux  
This flight

Bernie tells Fleur  
She will kill her in  
Thirteen different ways

Serena creates  
Thirteen new problems  
To solve  
Lists thirteen new things  
They should try  
Kisses Bernie thirteen times

Before the hourglass runs out

*** THE CHANCE TO SAY ***

They don’t see us  
On our knees 

Pulling

Planting

Doing

Wishing

*** IT MUST BE CLEARER ***

Serena dyes her hair  
(The first of many  
poor decisions)

She doesn’t know what she wants  
She doesn’t know how easily  
She’s distracted  
How easily she becomes  
What she’s most admonished

She needs a place  
To bury this blame

So she borrows  
Bernie’s shovel  
Begins to dig

*** NOW THAN DAY *** 

In fall, each leaf  
Crunches spectacularly  
under shoes. 

Each leftover dandelion seed  
Hides for the winter with  
The whisper of want  
In its ear

Waiting. 

*** THOUGH THERE ARE ***

She can’t say.  
Anythingthisthat.

Wishes Bernie would stop  
Surprising her

Wishes Bernie would stop

Wishes Bernie wouldn’t stop

Serena sets her own parameters  
Chooses her own family

Catches a bouquet of dandelions  
At Jason’s wedding

Looks for Bernie  
Looks for Bernie  
Looks for Bernie

*** SONGS AND POEMS *** 

And where do  
The flowers go  
During winter?

Do they shrink  
Disappear  
Cease

Are they waiting  
For spring  
To call them home?

*** LOVELIER THAN MINE ***

They have decided  
Forever is too long  
(But they’ll always  
Have Paris) 

Many months later,  
Serena sees Cam  
And knows what  
She must do

(CHOOSE) 

She appears at Bernie’s door  
Free from haphazard indecision

Expects nothing—  
(Needs Bernie to know)  
Each breath an apology  
An ask for forgiveness

Serena knows  
She won’t acquiesce  
Resigns to this  
closure  
This ending

But Bernie invites her in  
To talk

And she accepts.

*** HOW MUCH I WISH ***

We plant the seeds  
(We blow the seeds)

Year after year  
They grow

And yet

There’s still  
A point in winter

When we think:  
Will this be the year? 

Will the dandelions live  
Until my birthday?

*** THAT I COULD BE *** 

Many winters later  
They sit on a couch

(Their couch)

In front of a fire

(Their fire)

Buried in one another  
As they have been

A family

*** YOUR VALENTINE *** 

When the days begin  
To grow longer

And the flowers end their hibernation,

The yellow strands of each dandelion  
Call to the grass: 

_I’m here,_  
_I’m here,_  
_I’m here._


End file.
